A Place in the Sun

The tone of the iPhone, specifically, triggered it.  I used that particular "bling" for incoming e-mails, work e-mails, onto the phone, back when I was working in St Helier. Gut-wrenching pain reverberates through me, momentarily, as I remember the familiar smell of my beautiful apartment on the Esplanade, overlooking the yachts, and the walk to St Aubin's beach, 3 km of pure bliss as the tide was out, gazing longingly at the sand and sea. The staleness of struggling out of bed and the sinking feeling every time I would be called into an office, after moving to Malta. It was never-ending and the voices still echo in my head, as though I were in a time-travel cavern. I remembered the anxiety as it all spiralled again - and my struggling with myself and the thoughts of the one person  I had joined this team to escape. The crushing grief, his dogged insistence on remaining so close and yet so far. My perseverance in trying to get it out of my system but eventually succum

" I kept my answers small and kept them near; Big questions bruised my mind but still I let Small answers be a bulwark to my fear. The huge abstractions I kept from the light; Small things I handled and caressed and loved. I let the stars assume the whole of night. But the big answers clamoured to be moved Into my life.  Their great audacity Shouted to be acknowledged and believed. Even when all small answers build up to Protection of my spirit, still I hear Big answers striving for their overthrow And all the great conclusions coming near. " "Answers", Elizabeth Jennings Often we find that, while processing something of significance in our minds, we turn our thoughts to that which is less relevant - indeed we become obsessed by minor details when we really should be dealing with matters of greater import. One might find oneself distracted by clearing out a drawer when they really should have started to draft out a paper.  Alternative

I sat around, moping about the fact that someone's letter, supposedly posted ten days ago, had not reached me. Granted, the mere allegation that someone posted something does not mean it was posted at the agreed time or place.  Nor does it mean that the letter will be delivered swiftly, given the rushed period that precedes Christmas.  However, this caused me to turn my thoughts to how our expectations have changed over the years.  As a young girl, it was nice to have something to look forward to, and if a friend sent me something by post (perhaps we were unable to meet, or something of the sort), I knew that it would arrive, at some point, and it was a nice delicious feeling to know that the future held a nice little surprise for me.  It mattered not when it did in fact arrive, even if I looked at that letterbox with anticipation. Somehow, I could not bring myself to recreate that positive expectation this time round. My mind was immediately filled with ideas of letters gettin

It is past 2 in the morning and the recent trend seems to be that my eyelids should be unable to remain shut. I am aware of the generous contribution being made by my erstwhile friend Caffeine - I've been binging unashamedly and unreservedly on sources of it.  Luckily, with this substance I know it's a fad that will soon be switched to something else, like sparkling water, tea or hot chocolate. It will begin to make me queasy, and I will just stop. Or perhaps stick with the dark chocolate.  It's an anti-depressant with delightful side-effects (weight not being one of them). It is during these silent mornings that my thoughts turn in on themselves and their cackles begin to echo in the caverns of my consciousness.  These audacious thoughts keep me awake and I know the reason. I sat in my therapists's room the other day.  This wayward one had strayed off for a few months and returned to its fold to ruminate.  He eyed me with amusement, as he always does, and a shutter

Of course the world gives us good things to look forward to!  How one earth would we carry on, without things to smile about, things to look forward to ? Life has an extraordinary way of balancing the yin and the yang, and unless we are truly unfortunate, or utterly pessimistic, then we always have something to smile about at some point. Anxiety can be good.  Not that it feels good, but it may be induced by positive situations. My current state of mind is a productive one - the anxiety is generating work and high levels of efficiency.  There are things to look forward to and one particular thing that has lit up my days, even if it does not let me sleep at night. I almost hardly dare to dream and I am just looking at the idea, the feeling, and letting it stay with me, allowing it to infuse me with joy until it does become a reality.  I am almost sure there will be a few obstacles along the way, but the human spirit is always hopeful and the resulting anxiety is to be used in order

I woke up at stupid o'clock this morning.  Yet again. Elizabeth Jennings' poems are stuck in my head.  In particular, her brief but succinct "Answers" and "Absence", my all-time favourites (alongside with "Invictus" by W.E. Henley). I have been so tired that I've not been able to do anything but sleep, or write. Even my arts and crafts have deserted me, though I've surrounded myself with my paraphernalia in order to encourage myself to pick something up.  To no avail.  As soon as I get home, I want to crash on mum's sofa, or my bed, after devouring dinner.  And chocolate. I've an interesting book line-up for reading. This includes "Lush" (Peter Benchley), "A Little History of the World" (E.H. Gombrich), "The Prince" (Macchiavelli), "Maritime Miscellany" (Julian Stockwin), and around 40 others. Sometimes I wonder whether our books define us, or who we would like to be. I'd love to

In the film, Bohemian Rhapsody, recently out in cinemas, Freddie Mercury is standing with his lawyer, Jim (AKA Miami) Beech, outside the office after attempts to reunite with the band, and Beech asks him to give the others just a little bit of time.  Freddie looks at him and asks: "What is I don't have time?"  In today's very rushed environment, we are accustomed to telling ourselves we don't have time - be it schedules that are too busy, or simply because our minds are occupied elsewhere.  "I don't have time!", we exclaim, each time another burden is loaded on us and we have to work out how to fit in yet another slot into our already over-packed time-tables.  It's the stuff nightmares are made of. Yet the above sentence was pronounced in another horrifying sense. What if I don't have time [to achieve all that I ever wanted to achieve] / [to reach my goals] / [to become the person that I was always meant to be] ... for some other

And then it hits you... I was browsing through some old posts on this, my first ever blog. Reading through some of the posts made me smile, or giggle out loud, even. However, some raised memories and nostalgia that made my stomach contract for a life lost, time passed ... it was like hearing the echoes of laughter through a hollow tunnel, voices of people who were in my life and for some reason have moved on or moved away.  Different walks of life, different stages of my life and theirs. It was like receiving a blow to my very core. They say that, for a tree to grow new leaves, it has to shed the old ones.  For a tree, that may be painless.  There is no scientific knowledge as to whether the tree feels its leaves becoming detached. With human contact it is different.  The person's departure from one's life will always leave a mark - no matter how good or bad that encounter was, or for how long a period. For me, their voices echo in my head and haunt my spirit so that I

... and I sit here meandering at home. Doing my own thing and pottering about with all the pretty stuff that has accumulated in my home - from my travels and my hobbies, as well as my love of books. I am trying to sort through things but none of this is easy.  How do you put away stuff which you so enjoy handling ?  From chocolates (to be eaten), to flowers, pens, pencils, charcoal and pastels, books and drawing books... you name it. Before being off the grid for a few weeks, I feel the need to be within my own home and I will miss it so terribly. Spending time with family is priority, but so is spending time with those who really care. This is where I have choices to make.  Society has taught us that one is supposed to be always on the go.  I have now decided that it is ok to be at rest and, while I have been working on and off today, despite it being a Sunday, I have paced myself, enjoyed a drive in the sun, and slept when I needed to.  Perhaps the anxiety which is looming on

This evening I watched "Belle", a 2013 film which brings to the fore the story of Dido Elizabeth Belle , an illegitimate daughter of a British serving officer, a woman of colour, who was raised by Lord Mansfield. This brilliant judge was involved in the court judgement surrounding the Zong Massacre , involving the mass-killing of 133 African slaves by the crew of the British slave ship, Zong. While slavery continued to be legal in England for a long time after that, it is said to have lead, perhaps  indirectly,   to the eventual abolition of slavery. During those times more than ever, it was a courageous judgement and Lord Mansfield had no small task on his hands, himself having been likely to have been prejudiced by his relationship with Dido. The beautiful painting to which the film (story) refers, hangs in the stunning Kenwood House , a beautiful mansion in Hampstead Heath, London, which is home to a world famous art collection besides having a stunning old library. I

I focus on a positive outlook. That is the nature of human resilience. A few months back, I wrote about having to move work, because of a number issues.  Of course, things always happen for a reason - we repeat this cliche over and over, when we are on the other side of the fence. Yet, only weeks later, I got a proposal for a very large project - to take over a business all of my own.  This would not have been the first time I branched out on my own but it wasn't going to be easy. "Challenging" is one way of wording it, I suppose, and the journey hasn't been some lazy river ride. Taking on the responsibility of two employees, one of whom has a child, is no mean feat. Neither is taking on a portfolio of new clients something to be overlooked. Summer flew by, and I must admit that the pressures haven't been easy to manage, least of all internal ones.  There comes a time when one has to take the bull by the horns, however, and to deal with such issues in the

This past weekend was a tough one. I'm hurting and it's not in a good way. I need to heal. I don't know who is reading this - this is my desperate attempt at sanity. So help me God. My work termination is so final and yet, despite being painful, it is a relief.

Today is one of those days when I wonder whether the silence is the calm before the storm. The weather is grey and overcast, with a southerly wind which makes the weather humid and heavy.  Perhaps that explains the mood.  That, and the fact that I might be coming down with flu, along with some 16% of the population here.  Indeed, even the hospital is buckling under the pressure of admissions of patients with  complications related to the flu .  Yet people still go to work and send their children to school when already unwell, or still showing symptoms of the flu, despite health warnings of the severity of the flu cases this year.  I generally get tired and get cold sores. I don't have cold sores at the moment but I am definitely tired.  That might also be due to the fact that I have not really taken any time off, and this is something I owe to myself - to rest and recover and deal with all the issues that need dealing with. I am really looking forward to some time off but almo

Eight years ago this time, I was looking at my suitcases and trying to  come to terms with the fact that my ten-year long relationship was over.  We had had a chat and painfully admitted that there was no spark any more. I was scared to draw the line, and possibly so was he. Towards the end of January, I had a dream, in which we were both in the living room, with the dog, talking.  We were just ghosts and the room was bathed in white light. and we were both dressed in white (I think). I woke up with very painful emotions, because I knew deep inside that something had ended, even if I did not want to acknowledge it. I had become close to someone else by then, who acted as a foil for what was going on at home. I am well over the relationship now - eight years are a long time.  The journey has been long and not without its trials and tribulations.  Friends have flitted in and out of my life, with only a few remaining.  Partly my fault for isolating myself but I have not always been a

Today's pace was a little faster than yesterday's so far, seeing that many more people have returned to work.  Business has been busier to transact, in particular because even government employees seem to have taken the 3rd January as a day of leave, and not just the 2nd. For me, I am looking forward to take some time off but I am uneasy of letting go of my role for any length of time.  I am not quite easy with what can be said behind my back.  I sound like a paranoid idiot at the moment but if truth be said, a few incidents have taken place which have caused me to be constantly jumpy in my seat. Much of what I have managed to achieve has been positive, in that I came up with a few useful reports and summaries indicating a way forward with some necessary work which only I seem willing to do within the organisation.  Creating a niche for yourself is useful; you will never become indispensable but being valuable is definitely an asset and makes you a desirable employee.  Hav

So the year has started, with not much drama.  It was quite a peaceful one for me.  I can hardly believe the Christmas period is over and I cannot say that I have had any particular time to rest. Returning to work after 4 days (one day shutdown) was tough and I could hardly get out of bed.  I kept shivering with cold and could hardly bring myself to shower, let alone get dressed and come out of bed.  But thankfully, I got myself up and going and prepared what I consider to be a good day's work.  The pace has been slow since many are still on leave, which was a relief to me.  This also helped me concentrate on new regulations that have been issued in relation to the new Money Laundering Directive.  There's quite a learning curve and I feel that I am very far behind in that field, having tailed off to competition law between late 2014 and earlier this year. I can hardly believe that I have been absent from MCCAA for 8 whole months!   8 months ago, I was looking to embark on